NFL Rankings

By Shawn Krest

32. Cincinnati: Politicians from minor political parties are often excluded from campaign debates. The Democrats and Republicans don’t want to "legitimize" the other parties. They’re also afraid that it will turn the event into a circus. NFL teams may start replacing Bengals games with another bye week for the same reasons.

31. Houston: When coach Dom Capers yells at his rookie quarterback on the sidelines, is he a Carr berater? Yes, even the jokes are bad in Houston this season.

30. Chicago: Let’s see…They had a seven-game losing streak. They play their home games on the road. I think what this team needs is a few more Monday Night Football appearances.

29. Dallas: The debates in Dallas used to be "Who’s better, Emmitt or Barry Sanders?" Now we have "Who’s the better quarterback—the bad draft pick or the baseball player?" and "Who’s the better running back—the 33 year old Hall of Famer or the former practice squadder from Savannah State?"

28. Seattle: Bears fans take heart. The Seahawks had to play their home games at a college field last year, and look at…er. Sorry Bears fans.

27. Detroit: Why are the Lions ranked this high? So many bad teams, so few spots in the thirties.

26. Carolina: A seven game losing streak and then they lose rookie sensation Julius Peppers because he took the wrong diet pill? Never mind who’s at quarterback or receiver, the longest completion of the season is from Bad to Worse. And where is the confusion, Julius? A shake in the morning, another at lunch, and a sensible dinner.

25. Minnesota: Their upset of Green Bay moves them up to the coveted "best of some very very bad NFC teams" position.

24. Arizona: Freddie Jones was one of the top pass catching tight ends in the league when he was a Charger. Now he’s a Cardinal. Really, he is. Check the roster. The team should relocate to the Bermuda Triangle.

23. Baltimore: Also known as Arizona East. They could do an American Express commercial. "Hi, do you know me? I won the Super Bowl two years ago. Well, I didn’t, but some people wearing this same uniform did."

22. Jacksonville: If it wasn’t for the new rule mandating that every team in the AFC finish 8-8, they’d have a much worse record.

21. Washington:. Question: In addition to all the ex-Gators, why doesn’t Steve Spurrier load up on former Duke players, where he also coached? Never mind

20. New York Giants: Rookie tight end Jeremy Shockey is getting a lot of negative press for being "outspoken" and "controversial." His only problem is that he’s part of the Giants offense. Al Gore would be outspoken and controversial next to that. The biggest news of the season was that somebody new (and appropriately enough with a name pronounced "fossil") is calling the plays.

19. Cleveland: Let me get this straight. The Browns top two running backs are named White and Green. Bills defensive coordinator Jerry Gray may have a new home next season.

18. Buffalo: The Bills had a bye week and moved into first place. They played and dropped into last. Not exactly prime material for the season highlight video. The Bills have allowed the most points in the AFC. To put that in perspective, the Bengals are a touchdown and extra point better. More perspective? The Dolphins are fourteen touchdowns better (with thirteen kicks and one two-point conversion).

17. St. Louis: Marc Bulger did well while Kurt Warner’s was injured, but there’s no way that Warner should lose his job. I mean, that would be like…well, like the way Kurt Warner got his job, right Trent Green?

16. New York Jets: Going into the season, who would have thought that Chad Pennington would end up having a better year than former Marshall teammate Randy Moss?

15. Kansas City: Everyone is debating over whether Brett Favre or Drew Bledsoe will be the league MVP. Priest Holmes deserves at least a mention. A touchdown a week guaranteed.

14. Pittsburgh: A big thank you to the Steelers and Falcons for messing up sports pages across America. I’m sure editors were up all night trying to figure out how to fit the NFL standings in their usual spot now that a "tie" column had to be included.

13. Atlanta: Did anyone notice in the Falcons-Steelers game that Atlanta defensive coordinator Wade Phillips was wearing a headset on the sideline? If so, you should be ashamed of yourself. There’s no excuse for taking your eyes off of quarterback Michael Vick. He’s about two plays shy of his own Chunky Soup commercial.

12. Oakland: Tim Brown, Charlie Garner, and the gang may have beaten the Patriots in Week Eleven, but, despite what all the sportscasters said, they didn’t "avenge" anything. Jerry Rice will tell you that a mid-November regular-season win just doesn’t fill up the safe-deposit box like a Super Bowl ring.

11. Miami: Here’s a suggested marketing slogan for Miami: "The Dolphins’ season is football. They both always end with a string of L’s."

10. San Diego: If the Chargers wrap up a playoff spot early, do you think they’ll rest Drew Brees and give Doug Flutie a start?

9. Tennessee: Everyone was so busy writing them off, they didn’t notice the five-game win streak.

8. New Orleans: Deuce McAllister and Aaron Brooks may be the most underrated running back/quarterback combination in the league.

7. Philadelphia: I’m sure some Philly fans are asking, "Donovan McNabb played a whole game on a broken ankle, so why can’t he play the next one?"

6. Indianapolis: If this team is still hanging around at playoff time, they’re going to cause a lot of headaches for the other AFC hopefuls.

5. Denver: Brian Griese’s injury should ensure that Clinton Portis reaches 1000 yards. Then again, what Denver running back hasn’t reached 1000 yards?

4. Tampa Bay: Why hasn’t linebacker Derrick Brooks gotten more publicity? Ten games into the season, he was tied for the team lead in touchdowns.

3. New England: They were pronounced dead going into Buffalo. They were dead late in the fourth quarter in Chicago. They were dead after losing to Oakland. A year later and everyone is still doubting them.

2. San Francisco: No one can cover Terrell Owens. No can can defend Jeff Garcia. How in the world did they lose to San Diego?

1. Green Bay: They lost to Minnesota, which prevented them from setting a record for earliest to clinch a division. They’ll need to lose a few more before giving up the top spot.